What does it feel like?

The thing about healing, I feel, is that no one talks about how frustrating it can be, and usually is.

Within the last year alone, I’m reminded more frequently, as time goes on, of how much healing I still need (and want) to do.

What’s equally frustrating, as it is amazing, is that I’ve discovered other things I need to heal from that I’ve either repressed or thought didn’t matter to me.

I won’t lie; healing is weirdly… painful? When the healing is done…the only way I can describe it is that it feels like getting the best hug ever, except the hug is coming from your healed self. I think that’s the most beautiful part about it.

Why does no one talk about the stuff that goes on during the healing process? You’ll learn to do crazy things when you’re in that kind of pain. Like, I don’t know, forgive them? Let it go? Whatever “it” is for you. You may find yourself praying and/or giving it to the universe just so you don’t have to feel like that anymore.

I thought long and hard about writing again. I thought about how I should write and how I should word things to keep the whole ‘possibility of ruffling some feathers’ thing to a minimum. But if I did that, I wouldn’t be speaking my truth, huh?

I read a quote years ago. It’s one of my favorites, and I feel it fits perfectly here:

“You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

Within the last year, I left a 6-year relationship with a person I was convinced I was going to spend the rest of my life with/have children with. I left my toxic job where I faithfully dedicated over 10 years of my life. I moved twice. It was challenging, and at times, very, very miserable.

This time last year, I was not happy. I had not been happy in the way I now know and understand I deserve to be. I was severely underweight. I wasn’t sleeping more than 4 hours a night. My nervous system was so jacked up I was seeing my therapist twice a week. I was unraveling internally. I felt insane, but I maintained a pretty solid poker face when I had to. I maintained it so well that some may argue I’m full of shit. That’s alright. My truth doesn’t invalidate someone else’s. We don’t always experience the same thing in the same way, you know?

I wanted to feel and be seen the way some around me wanted to be respected.

Imagine fixating on someone for your happiness, someone who brings immense light into your life, and yet, you can’t have them because you’re the one grappling with how to love. No shade. It’s just the truth… respectfully.

Sometimes, the person you turn to for protection becomes the very source of your need for protection. You might think a stranger is the person walking on the other side of the street, but how about the person you sleep next to in bed every night? Take it as it resonates. An enemy can never betray you. Read that again. Think about it.

It’s a complex web, isn’t it?

There is no one who can advocate for you better than you can. No one is a better friend to you than you are. You are all you have, and believe it or not, you are EVERYTHING you need.

Healing is an intricate journey—one that can be so frustrating and painful. Yet, as I continue to navigate through the shadows of my past and embrace the transformative power of self-discovery, I uncover more of my strength and resilience.

I don’t have all the answers. In fact, rarely do I ever. I’m still figuring my shit out. I’m still healing from not just the things I speak openly about, but the things I don’t speak with anyone about at all. I’m 31 years old, and I still feel like I have no clue what I’m doing half the time. But one thing I do know is that writing has been one of my favorite forms of therapy.

I am forever a work in progress, but I feel incredibly blessed to be where I am now. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I’m overflowing with gratitude every single day.

I don’t have a plan. I’m just here to write. Mainly about life and struggles with my mental health. You know, things I’ve been through, and what has helped me work through the hard shit I thought I’d never get through.

My hope is I’ll be able to help others by being at times, painfully vulnerable…on the internet of all places. I contribute most of my healing to my writing. I hope when you find yourself in the darkest corners of your mind, my words will inspire and encourage you to keep going.

Thank you for being here. I’m so happy to share my virtual safe space with you.